Loveless Life

Pain of Rejection

   I walked to the house in which my parents and my other brother lived. I knocked on the door and mom opened it. "What are you doing here?" She hissed. I was taken aback by her hurtful words. "I came to see you." I say in a casual tone. "You have shamed this family, and now you want to return! What about your position?" She yells. I say nothing feeling hurt by her words, and she finally says, "Fine, come in. But you still aren't welcome here." I was so hurt by her words I wanted to yell, punch, or kick something, but I had to keep my face emotionless.
   We walk into the kitchen and I see my father and my brother, Markus at the table. "Giles!?" Markus asks. "Yes it is me." I say softly. Then mom says to dad, "I don't know why he's here, he just showed up! And now he expects something from us!" "No, I'm not here for something. I just wanted to see you." I say and look at the floor, I can't bear to see my mother and father's shameful expressions when they look at me, why do they hate this much. "I just wanted to say goodbye before I go for good." I say sadly. "What do you mean?" Mom snaps. "I'm leaving, and never coming back." I say, I feel so hurt, they always snap at me. What did I do to deserve this? "So you aren't the royal chamberlain anymore?! Now you have disgraced us even more! You were never any good anyways." She yells at me, I feel like I could cry, or hide under a rock. "You are useless ever since we found out that you had the illness! You're good for nothing!" She yells.
   I feel so rejected and I suddenly yell, "All my life all I've ever really wanted was your approval, but you always reject me, hate me, despise me! All because of a illness I can't control!" Mom looked kinda shocked. "You were supposed to be a successful knight, like your brother. He is captain of an elite guard. You shamed us greatly!" Mom practically screams, I could see an evil looking gaze in her eyes, why does she hate me, I'm her son. "I never should have come. I don't know why I wanted to see you two again. I really only came to goodbye to Markus." I say in almost a whisper, I feel so hurt, I want to cry. "But I see that no one cares anyways." I back up to the door, preparing to leave. "I have loved you, even if you didn't love me." My last words to them struck me like knives, because I knew they were true. They never loved me even if I tried so hard to love them. I run out the door tearing up, down the street and into the nearby woods, thinking of their every word.
   I come back to a clearing in the woods and just cry. I let the tears stream down my face, and just cry. "Why have they never loved me?" I sobbed. I have always tried, I really have but nothing works. They turn me down over and over, until I just can't take it. There's nothing in my life worth living for, nothing at all. Why do they hate me, I did nothing wrong. "All I wanted was acceptation, to feel like I belong somewhere. I just wanted a loving family." I cried in despair. I would give anything to hear kind words to me. Just three words, "I love you." That's all I want! I sob when I think of their hateful expressions when they look at me. Why would they ever have me, if they never wanted me? I remember all those hateful things they said in my life. I've never truly had love, I'm twenty-six and still haven't found any love in this cursed world, I don't think I ever will. They always praised my brother and left me in the dark, whatever I did my brother did better. I've always envied my brothers badge that he wore so proudly on his chest, I wanted one but never got one. I don't know why or how I disappointed them, I can't control the illness. Why do they blame me for it, but I knew why they just wanted something to hate, despise, never love. That's why they wanted me, for nothing I shouldn't exist. I'd rather die than feel this pain.
   Then something hit me. "If no one wants me here, I'll go somewhere else." I storm off, still sulking. I walk through the forest all day and eventually find the place I was looking for. Arcadia. I stop and look back, I could go back, but to what? A loveless world of rejection and disgrace? Never. They hurt me too much for me to ever love again, there is no love for me in this world.
   I think, one last time about my family, my mother with the bright blue eyes her beautiful brown hair, and her the gentle looking face. I knew it wasn't gentle, behind that mask she is mean and full of hate. My dad, the dark brown eyes, the warm looking face, and the black hair. But that was a trick too, he was also cold and heartless, they both made me feel like nothing, like I shouldn't exist. All of their dreary hearts goes to Markus, they loved him always, and hated me. I even thought that a few times Markus smiled at me, but it was probably just a dream.
   My brother, he was the only one I would miss. Brown eyes like dad and the brown hair of my mom. His smile was kind and caring, he was the only one without a mask. His face reflected his personality perfectly, all the girls went madly for him. His muscular structure, and his warm and kind face. Then me, I had black hair like my dad's and his deep brown eyes. I was pale from the start but they thought I would grow strong and healthy, but when I got older I was a disappointment, they hated me when I grew up, but loved Markus with all of their cold love.
   But the most devastating thing was when they found out my illness. They found me sprawled out on the ground with a fever so high it almost burned. They thought is was just a cold at first, but it happened more often after that, then they realized that I was completely flawed and good for nothing. That's when they started to hate me, reject me for all the things I apparently did wrong. I didn't do anything, I couldn't control it yet they blame me. Always me.
   So then I left, but the illness attacked and I was just laying on the ground, helpless but I didn't care I would rather die at that point. But the kings adviser found me and helped me through it, he was the only one I could really call family. I sometimes watched my brother train, all I wanted was to be by his side and do my family proud. I envied him so badly, I just wanted love, I wanted what he had.
   The kings adviser cared for me, fed me, and provided me shelter. He was the loving father I needed. He treated me like his own son, and I treated him like my father. I owe everything to him, my life and everything I am. When he died I was devastated, I cried for days never eating, everyone tried to get me to come out but I was just to sad. I wanted to die, so I didn't have to feel the pain. When I became of age I became the Kings adviser, It was a nice surprise. Ever since then I wondered what my family thought of me now, but when I visited a few years after I was appointed they still treated me like nothing. I was always in the shadow of my brother, I should have realized sooner.
   So I run to Arcadia, never looking back, I was truly alone. It still felt wrong to leave, but I had to. I will never return to the loveless place I once called home. Never.